An Uncertain Apology [PRP: ED]

[Alphonse Elric]

This was a recurring pattern, something like an endless cycle, repeating itself, day in, day out, the same result, the same conclusion, problems arising as always...and Edward was a problem that needed to be resolved. It didn’t matter how long Alphonse thought on things, or how many scenarios he played out in his head, questions he decided upon, it was always the same result in the end, that wall...that damned impenetrable fortress that was his brothers defences never fell and whilst he perhaps hated to admit it to himself, he was becoming somewhat tired of having to try. He didn’t understand it all, and sometimes he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to...true, he wanted his brother back the way he had been, wanted to see him smile at him once more, or to hear him laugh....but he never laughed anymore, and he rarely smiled....was there any point in trying to regain something that seemed so far gone? No....no he couldn’t think like that, there was always a point, he couldn’t give up on Edward, for his brother had never given up on him, still...it was something he thought about...even if it was a thing he would never do.

It hadn’t exactly been a pleasant morning, not in the least, he had continued to cry quietly...away from his brother, he didn’t want him to see him cry...Alphonse didn’t want to show him just how much pain he was truly in, yet he knew some of it was obvious when his brother would look at him...it seemed his body could betray his thoughts at times. He’d gotten angry, not something he could often say he did, it was a well known fact that Alphonse was always the voice of reason, the one to calm his more hot headed brother down when things got heated....but earlier it was he who had become angered, but there was no one to cool his rage...Edward hadn’t said anything. Why had he just stood there when he had spoken? Why didn’t he try and say something else? Why didn’t he have an answer? Though the younger Elric knew that perhaps there wasn’t anything Edward could say, it was perhaps in his anger that he had decided that like always, maybe Edward didn’t want to.

In the hours he had spent alone in his solitude he’d had time to cool down, time to mull things over and somehow he had come to the conclusion that he really shouldn’t have reacted the way he had towards his brother. He admitted that he had the right to be angry...after everything that had happened, there would most likely be no objection to his reaction....but he felt guilty for it all the same. He was supposed to be helpful, he was supposed to be there for his brother, so why was he getting angry? Why was he giving Edward something he so obviously didn’t need right now? If there was an apology due...it would come from him...he needed to apologise to Edward. It was all he seemed to do of late...apologise, no matter what the situation, it would be the younger Elric who would say sorry first, even if the situation was not his fault, it seemed to be becoming a habit...though exactly why he could not understand...maybe he was apologising for not being able to do more, for not being able to help and frankly, he felt as though that was something he felt Edward deserved the biggest apology for.

Sliding from his bed, Alphonse made his way across the creaky wooden flooring to his door, opening it slowly, feeling a rush of cold air flow into his room before he stepped out into the hallway. This wasn’t going to be easy and he wasn’t even sure if Edward would accept his apology, but he deserved it nonetheless...and so an apology was what he was going to get. Alphonse grimaced slightly as he placed a hand upon his stomach as it churned with unease...this wasn’t a feeling he was accustomed to...least of all with situations with his brother, but this too was becoming a frequent occurrence...one he wished would go away rather rapidly as he swallowed hard, making his way along the hall, stopping in front of a door...Edward’s door. For a moment the younger Elric held his breath, hand raising, poised in mid air to knock, a somewhat frightened expression on his face that melted into something between confusion and uncertainty before he finally managed to move his arm, allowing his hand to rap upon the door. “....Brother...I...” he said pausing for a moment as he lowered his eyes to look at his bare feet for a moment. “Can I...talk to you?”.

[Edward Elric]

“November 12, 1925

This one was no different than the last, starting normally, even pleasantly, at home in Amestris on one of Central’s famously sunny days. But somewhere, I knew, it would turn out just the same…”

Edward’s hand moved with barely a prod from his consciousness, after nearly sixty days of those dreams and more than fifty evenings spent turning them into a vivid prose of events on the measly page of a small, leather bound journal, it was second nature. He knew every description by heart and how every line would sound before it was ever written. It had become, over the last few weeks, almost an obsession, to relive each terrifying moment in his own messy, scrawling pen. The pages of his dream journal were no longer pristine as when he’d purchased the notebook, planning to simply use it to jot down notes for work, ideas and designs. No, they had become crumpled by the twitching of pained fingers and stained with an occasional, lonely tear of desperation. As fixated as Edward was with every image of the night and as terribly as he was trying to keep them secret he needed something, some way to keep the pressure from simply tearing his head apart.

It was, he had decided, the best way to distract himself from the guilt scrabbling at the back of his mind, and the fear that though different, was as ever present. So he sat, legs crossed at the head of his bed, journal across his lap jotting out just another nightmare. Unfortunately it was working poorly; no matter the distraction he couldn’t fight the thought that he may have finally alienated Al for good. His chest was painfully tight around his heart, making an almost successful attempt to suffocate him from his misery. No matter the abandonment he was sure Al felt, even the pain he’d seen could fend off his selfish desire to keep his brother beside him despite the arms length he’d worked so hard to keep between them.

Guilt, in fact, didn’t really cover what he felt it was too shallow a word, though just maybe he had allowed himself to become just shallow enough it worked. The remorse that had nagged him all day and still did was ambiguous as to whether he felt that way over the way he’d been treating Al or over the shameful, self-serving way he wanted to throw himself to his knees and beg Al not to leave him, to cry and plead like a lonely child to not be left alone to the monsters beneath the bed. As mad as he was going, slipping further every day into a black pit of dementia, Al was the only anchor that still remained to his world of sanity. It was wrong, he knew, and wretched to consider asking, nonetheless begging, someone he loved to stay around and endure that kind of mental torment because he was afraid of bearing the darkness completely alone.

His eyes were staring at the page before him, though not really focused and he became dimly aware of the ink spreading before him in a salty droplet. Quickly he cuffed his eyes, chiding himself beneath his breath, “Stop it, you fool.” Running the coolness of his automail over his face he returned attention to that day’s entry, knowing it was time again to distract himself. -…the hand, limpid and, I can tell, as dead as the others before it.

It startled him, the knock upon his door reminding him far more than it should have of the cracking of cement onto hard ground. He held his breath, along with the momentary stillness of his heart, awaiting something more. “Brother…I…” Alphonse’s voice came, quiet and uncertain from beyond the door. “Can I...talk to you?” Almost panicking, like a suspect in a murder investigation he slammed the journal shut, tossing it to the foot of his bed to make it seem of less importance, though a few moments after he knew it would have been more intelligent to shove it into the drawer of the small table beside his bed. He took a deep breath, wiping his eyes one more nervous time.

“Yeah…” he mumbled, just loud enough, he hoped, to be heard and his gut clenched despairingly, expecting the most final of words to come soon: Goodbye.

[Alphonse Elric]

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, it was reasonable to assume that perhaps Edward would have anger of his own considering the events that had unfolded...but he hadn’t seen any at the time, no, there had been no anger that was evident in his brother, though sometimes he wished there was. Anger was something that could be seen, something that showed obvious outward signs, the way someone spoke, the way they looked at you, even a persons very stance could be used to determine anger...but that...whatever Edward had been feeling it was far from anger. There was perhaps a time when he could tell what his brother was thinking far more easily, he’d been so easy to understand and it could be said that no-one knew Edward better than Alphonse, though the younger boy was finding that hard to believe now. If he truly knew his brother so well...then why couldn’t he tell what was wrong? Why didn’t he at least have some idea, some clue...he had nothing....nothing.

“Yeah…” The younger boys heart skipped a beat as his heard the somewhat mumbled reply from his brother, his hand drawn down quickly from its previous raised position at the door. It had shocked him a little perhaps, though he was glad he had answered him at least, though now he was having difficulty getting himself to open the door. It was a strange sensation, likened to fear perhaps...but it wasn’t exactly fear, not in the strictest sense, perhaps it was merely apprehension a natural wariness or maybe he was merely making excuses for his own emotions, if there was one thing he did not wish to admit, it was that he was afraid to be around his brother but in his head it sounded stupid and as quickly as the fear would come he would swallow it down, defy it, prove it was nothing....but it always returned. Taking a deep breath Alphonse ran a hand through his fringe before placing it upon the door handle, moving it slowly as he opened the door a slight fraction.

For a moment there was a pause, the door open, but not enough to reveal anything more than his shadow before he swallowed adjusting the collar of his shirt against an imaginary choking sensation before he finally pushed the door wide enough to allow himself to see his brother and for he to see him. Alphonse could only stare for the longest moment, gray eyes fixated upon the elder Elric, Edward really did look worse for the wear and that only served to make the young boy frown somewhat. He’d seen him everyday, he’d seen him that morning and yet every time he looked upon the him, his haggard appearance....it was like seeing it for the first time, no matter how many times he saw it....it always seemed foreign, something that had happened overnight. This was not how he saw his brother, he saw someone strong, someone who could withstand anything....what he would always see before him...was nothing like what he held within his mind and it bothered him greatly. Finally the younger boy lowered his gaze, allowing his eyes to briefly note the journal but thinking little of it before he shuffled his feet somewhat. “Brother I....I wanted to....” his voice trailed off, becoming quieter before he coughed slightly to clear his throat. “....I wanted to.....apologise...for earlier”.

[Edward Elric]

The harder he thought about it, the more he imagined it, the more it seemed an excessively unintelligent thing to have done. Yes? He should have remained silent, maybe even said for Alphonse to go away. It had been a very stupid thing. He needed Al to see him like this about as much as he was sure he needed another dream. It was so painfully obvious, he thought, how pathetic he was. How much he needed to reach out, despite his desperation keep to everything inside it continued to spill out the edges like a vigorously boiling pot and the more he let Alphonse see through him the harder he had to try, the more cold he would have to be.

He supposed again, it was the unrelenting selfishness he harboured that had led him to say yes, the fact that somehow he had convinced himself to an absolute certainty that Alphonse was leaving and he wanted to at least get his own goodbye in. Or maybe, Alphonse would ask him to leave. He hadn’t thought much about that, for some reason it just didn’t fit. It could happen, he decided and he knew that there was no way he could say no. After the way he’d been treating his little brother, someone he’d sworn to protect after the things he’d put Al through before, there was nothing he could do but hope Alphonse would at least let him gather a few things before going.

Or possibly he was merely arrogant, so caught up in his own mental troubles that he had managed to miss something else bothering Al. Maybe his distance wasn’t really the issue; it had crossed his mind on a few occasions that while he knew Alphonse cared about him it wasn’t like he was the only thing in Al’s life. He and Al had always been very close but he guessed many brothers, even as close as they had been, grew apart, it was conceivable that a couple months of quietness on Ed’s part wouldn’t bother him as much as Ed had led himself to believe. But no, that seemed much more like some bizarre way to make the tension between them something else’s fault and he knew the blame resided fully upon his own shoulders.

Ridiculous as it was, he almost hoped he’d simply gone mad enough to have imagined the knock at his door and the softly spoken words so familiar they stung like a knife through his chest. Again, no. He watched the door knob turn and the door slowly swing inwards, the small gust from it ruffling his bangs. Edward folded his hands across his lap to keep them from clenching nervously in the sheets. Alphonse still looked upset, his brows drawn into a frown and a small irritated ring of red about his eyes. Edward swallowed a lump in his throat, looking away before Al, too ashamed to allow himself to gaze further on the destruction he’d caused. “Brother, I…I wanted to…” Alphonse paused to clear his throat, allowing Ed the chance to take one more look before, “I wanted to…apologise…for earlier.”

Edward wasn’t exactly sure whether to be more surprised or appalled by what he heard. Alphonse was apologising to him? Shouldn’t it have been the other way around, wasn’t Ed the one that had sat back and said nothing when the silence was a terrible weight? Was it not him who allowed the gap between them to grow? Again, he swallowed heavily and shook his head slowly. “No.” He said shortly, his voice a little hoarse but still clean. “Don’t.” It came out harsher than he’d thought it would but he couldn’t seem to get his head around how wrong it was for Alphonse to be the contrite one. It’s my fault, he growled inwardly, shutting his mouth around the words before they were spoken aloud, it has never been yours.

[Alphonse Elric]

Somehow even though he had apologised, he found it had done little to lift his mood and honestly he knew why. He knew he shouldn’t have been the one apologising...it had been a natural response perhaps, to shout at his brother when he found himself confronting that ever present brick wall, but what good had it done? He didn’t want to be angry with him, but it seemed the more Edward pushed him away the angrier he was getting. It was a fact that Alphonse’s nature was passive in comparison to Edward, he rarely became angry and wouldn’t engage in a fight unless he had to either...it was the way he was, a gentle soul....though perhaps that was not always a good thing. Maybe it was the fact that he was getting older, the fact that he was maturing...but that in itself was confusing at times. In all technicality he was a fourteen year old boy...who had been alive for nineteen years.....to most perhaps that would be confusing and Alphonse admitted that it was at times, he should have been but a year younger than his elder brother, but now...now there were several years between them.

Whatever the reasoning for the younger boy’s outburst, his natural passive inclinations won out over him, making him feel guilty about the fight he’d had with his brother, even if it was not all his fault. He knew well enough that when apologies were needed...Edward was always the last to utter them, it was just the way he was...but for once....he almost wished that it had been his brother who had broken the silence first, but then he seemed to be enjoying it...the silence. Whilst he found it intolerable, suffocating, Edward seemed to relish in it....he couldn’t understand that at all, could not understand why his brother would choose silence over speaking with him....regardless of that, the silence was broken now and Alphonse’s apology hung in the air.

“No.” The younger Elric raised his head instantly as his brothers voice sounded in the silence...different somehow, but still his. “Don’t”. Don’t what? Don’t apologise? That frown he had held deepened and he found himself merely staring at Edward for the longest moment. Why didn’t he want him to apologise? He had shouted at him, something he would not normally do, surely that was enough grounds for him to offer an apology? Or perhaps there was more to this, perhaps Edward merely didn’t wish for the silence to be broken, maybe he wanted it to swallow him....or maybe....maybe for once, it was merely because Edward did not deem it right, for Alphonse to be apologising. “....Why not?” Alphonse asked finally, his frown remaining as he flexed the fingers on his left hand slightly, awaiting a response.

[Edward Elric]

If desperation weren’t a word he didn’t know how he would describe his state, it would be like having a face yet no name. Still, despite the existence of that word there was something about him that even his own mind couldn’t place, something alien to him. His inhibitions were failing as though in the clutch of a fiery drink, his carefully constructed wall was cracking and beginning to crumble in places, only he still could see no light from the other side. He could not see the benefit of letting it fall but the supports were shaky, splintering beneath the weight of neglect. Neglect, he was neglecting everything important to him, including that god damned barrier.

It was utterly impossible to know what would come and worse yet to know that he hadn’t a clue how he would reply himself. The comfortless words were certain to have no meaning, no reason to Alphonse. He couldn’t possibly know what Edward had meant by telling him not apologise. Had it simply been another heartless expression of his current distaste, or was it a cry of a man who despised himself and his actions? It felt wrong to have said anything at all. It would have been so much easier to let Alphonse apologise, he was Al, he apologised for everything, even those things that weren’t his fault. If he’d simply let Al say he was sorry for yelling then he would accept, maybe say nothing and Al would have left. But no, he had been stupid allowing more to slip past his lips and he felt angry. His temper was always a bit of an issue and he’d bottled it up along with so many other unspoken words and he felt it rising, growling angrily inside his chest not a millimeter below the surface.

Alphonse was still looking at him, staring at him as though he had never seen Ed before and it was beginning to make his neck prickle. The silence was his, Alphonse always tried so hard to break it when he was stunned into silence Edward wasn’t sure what to think, simply to know that he’d said the wrong thing. Ed tried to still his hands, clutching and wringing at the sheets beneath him, awaiting a spoken word and feeling the fury at his own incompetence bubbling like bile in the back of his throat. “…Why not?” Finally came and he snapped, another thing to add to the long list forming as to why he was no longer allowed to speak.

“Just fucking don’t!” The shout was out of his mouth before he could give it a second thought, hell almost before he gave it a first thought and he regretted it worse than if he’d done something physically violent. The loudness of his voice hung in the air, wretched in its unnecessary anger. His gold eyes stared up at Al, wide and searching, hoping that there was some way to snatch those words from the air and shove them back down his tightening throat. He hadn’t meant them that way, he had been trying to do something right for once in his miserable existence. He just didn’t want Alphonse to blame himself for everything and now he’d gone and ruined it, perfectly in keeping with the fool it seemed he had become.

[Alphonse Elric]

This was more awkward than it should have been, the atmosphere...somehow it was tense, like a fog thickening around him, losing him within its greying mist. He’d lost his way so many times before and had always been able to find his way back, but not this time....the more he tried to escape it...the more it seemed to surround him, choking him in its hold. There had never been a time when he had found something too difficult, to strenuous, but this...this was becoming more than he could handle even if he would not admit it. Alphonse swallowed hard against the feeling in his throat, that sensation of his airway tightening still present, though he did not move, did not turn his gaze away from his brother, if he was going to get an answer to his question...he at least wanted to be looking at him. He didn’t quite understand it...the need to keep staring, keeping his gaze upon Edward, somehow it felt like a moment where he was facing his fears, staring down the very instrument of them...but that was a strange thought, Edward being the orchestrator of his fear...but it seemed true enough.

“Just fucking don’t!” The younger boys eyes grew wide and for a moment panic flashed across his features as he felt his breath still within his lungs. For a moment everything seemed frozen in that moment and he wasn’t exactly sure when he was finally able to draw breath within his lungs again, but he knew the ability had left him for at least a full thirty seconds. There was that violence...the anger, something he so despised, Edward had always had a violent temper, that was common knowledge and perhaps anyone would have said that this was merely his attitude...but Alphonse knew better. Once again he found himself beholding that stranger, the one who had ensnared his brother...the demon that seemed to have taken hold of his very soul. Like a serpent coiling it’s way around its prey, tightening its grip with every breath it would take....it was happening gradually...slowly....and yet it all seemed to be happening so fast. What was his brother becoming? Or perhaps the better word was who rather than what, but it mattered little...this wasn’t right, none of this was right....why couldn’t things be the way they were....why?

Alphonse finally removed his gaze from his brother unable to face his ‘fear’ any longer as his head was snapped sharply away, grey eyes cast to the floor, hands balled into fists for the moment as his bottom lip quivered slightly as he tried to contain his own emotions...but he wasn’t exactly sure what those were right now. Was there anger within him? Yes...he admitted that much, but there was something far more worse than anger lodged within the younger Elric’s mind....sadness...and perhaps there was some revulsion...revulsion for the thing that Edward was becoming...and that anger, was directed inwardly at himself...for not being able to do a damned thing about it. What was he doing for him really? In his mind he was becoming no better than the thing that was consuming Edward....he was bringing him down too...but he didn’t want that...he didn’t want....but that was the point wasn’t it, it wasn’t about what he wanted in the end, no matter how much that thought hurt...he was selfish, yes....that was what he was.

The younger Elric’s breathing became somewhat laboured as he fought for control of his body, fought for control of everything, that was what he wanted, control, some sort of say in everything, some ability to do things right, to fix things, were these not the actions of a selfish person? He wanted to fix things for himself didn’t he? Wanted things to be better for him? God....he hadn’t thought...it wasn’t supposed to be that way...he hadn’t meant it to be. Alphonse swallowed hard, his expression becoming confused and hurt all at once...what the hell was he doing? “....Sorry...” his words were but a whisper and he barely managed to choke them out, he was doing it again...apologising for something that was not his fault, or perhaps in a way it was...maybe this whole mess was his fault, maybe....maybe Edward would have been better if he wasn’t around, if he wasn’t here being so...so...useless.

[Edward Elric]

Waiting for Alphonse’s reaction was like waiting for a brutal impact, his muscles were tense throughout his body, his jaw clenched so tightly it almost hurt and his heart racing so fast he swore it would jump from his throat any second. He could still hear those wrathful words in his mind, echoing like a cacophonous opera of hate bludgeoning his skull relentlessly and driving his temper, the anger at himself to stay in the forefront. His fingers twitched, finally finding the pen he’d been writing with still in his lap to wrap his nervous grip around, to maybe channel a little of his pent up energy into the barely giving plastic. He tried to swallow the dryness in his mouth but the lump clogging his throat refused to budge, awaiting, just as the rest of him, whatever blow Al decided to throw.

Al looked away from him, gray eyes moving to the floor and away from the monster Ed knew he had to see; still he said nothing. It was better that way, he supposed, having Al no longer looking at him, not being forced to face the pit of his self-abhorrence though, no matter what he was looking at the weight of Alphonse’s eyes never left Edward’s chest. Again he felt himself cracking, he felt that wall want to come tumbling down and it took everything, even closing his eyes briefly and trying a deep breath, too keep that last straw from snapping. His bottom lip trembled and he pursed the two desperately trying to keep the display secret, Alphonse had seen more pathetic weakness in him than a little shaky anxiety.

It was obvious Alphonse was having trouble, his breathing was uneven like Ed’s own, and again he wondered why he did this. He wondered why he was doing this to Alphonse, and even more, why Al was letting him. He heard Al take a breath to speak and his own drew in sharply, still tense, his mind still angry somewhere beyond his control. “...Sorry…” He said finally, quietly as though rejecting the word from his vocabulary as opposed to really using it. He’s still apologising to you, Edward felt his subconscious shake to the front and before he could help it, there was his wrath again, another sin often accompanying him.

“I said don’t apologise to me, god damn it!” And before he could stop it, the small writing utensil was flying from his hand and he watched almost in slow motion as it screamed silently across the room, slamming into the wall with what should have been a relatively small sound but to him it was explosive, deafening and cleansing all the same. He stared at the black pen where it had fallen to the carpet, a small chip in the paint on the wall where it had hit, so small it was nearly invisible over where he was. Again, he knew he’d done the wrong thing, he’d said the wrong thing and he couldn’t stop the water that leaked disgustingly from the corners of his eyes before he could choke it back another time. “Alphonse…” He whispered half-reaching out a hand before withdrawing it once more. “Please, don’t go.” More and more often, it seemed, he was nothing but a piteous, repulsive creature before Al but as much as he didn’t wish this upon Alphonse he was truly, somewhere, a selfish being. He’d already lost himself, if he lost Al, too, he’d have nothing left and he would be alone and frightened of the dark, forever.

[Alphonse Elric]

It was difficult…but he’d thought that a hundred times over…difficult, everything was mixed up so much so to the point where he barely knew what was what anymore, finding it harder and harder to decipher things. He was in the middle of a tunnel, staring at the light at the other end…but no matter how close he drew to it…it always seemed to get further away. Was this what it was like for Edward? The light being so far out of his reach that he could no longer work up the power to reach it? Maybe that was a silly thing to surmise, he didn’t know anything after all and he probably never would, not if his brother continued this way…would the darkness eventually swallow him? He didn’t know that either…damn it…there was so little he knew in the end, it was pointless, ridiculous, hell…he was ridiculous. If the pieces would just…fit together, the jig-sawed sections of his mind…but there were so many pieces missing.

“I said don’t apologise to me, god damn it!” Alphonse was jolted from his own thoughts as the sound of the pen colliding with the wall at Edward’s throw seemed to resound in the room. Slowly the younger boy turned his head, staring at the spot where it had made its mark before slowly lowering them to stare at the object in question. He was…shocked, if that was even the right word for it, whilst it had not been thrown at him it had scared him somewhat and he found himself swallowing somewhat uncomfortably with the knowledge that it COULD have been directed at him…and it could also have been something much bigger. No…no that wasn’t right…Edward would never…but then…there were a lot of things he had told himself Edward would never do and he had been proved wrong so many times in the past…why was now any different? “Alphonse…” The younger Elric could not contain the slight twitch in his shoulders at the sound of his own name…even that sounded foreign to him. “Please, don’t go.”

Gray eyes widened somewhat as his head was sharply drawn around, gaze now back upon his brother, a mixture of confusion and panic on his face. What…what was he saying? Go? Had…had he read his thought somehow? Seen what he was thinking? No…no that wasn’t possible, even if Edward knew him better than anyone, it was highly doubtful that he had any knowledge of Alphonse’s thoughts. He didn’t want to leave…the room or their home, what he wanted…he wanted…he was doing it again…after all, it wasn’t about what he wanted…this was about Ed, that was all there was too it. “I….” Alphonse tried to find words, tried to say something meaningful, but his head was practically swimming as his heart rate increased, throbbing painfully inside his head. “I don’t…want to go…brother”. A clammy hand was raised to his head, wiping back his fringe as he exhaled, the simple ejection of breath from his lungs becoming more of a sigh, this was all going so wrong…all he’d wanted to do was apologise and now…now things seemed so…just…wrong.

[Edward Elric]

Edward didn’t really know what he had said, or why, it had simply come out, unhindered and strangely unrecognizable to his own ears. It was a little confusing, to know he’d said something and want so terribly to take it back and have no means of doing so. He could see the events play out on Alphonse’s face, his shouted words, the pen slamming into the wall, and even his selfish plea. His own mind was a theatre and he wasn’t sure whether or not it showed, nor was he certain it mattered as each possible outcome rushed around in his head, a disjointed performance played out with faceless, voiceless actors. Maybe, he thought, he should have tried to speak again but it seemed nothing good came of opening his mouth and remained silent his lips parted slightly making his breathing a little louder than usual.

Alphonse moved and Edward felt his heart falter, the pace becoming ever more uneven above his dragging lungs, but he did nothing more than take a heavy breath and open his mouth to speak. At first it seemed nothing would come but after a moment, “I,” he paused again serving to make Edward tense further. “I don’t….want to go…brother.” Al ran a hand through his bangs and Ed breathed out harshly. That wasn’t what he’d expected, it was better than what he was thinking, he supposed but it left nothing resolved. He almost wished Alphonse would shout; that Al would really get angry with him. Scream, shout, throw a fit of some kind and not just walk away. Hell, shake him, hit him, something. He knew it was wrong to want anything from Al after the way he’d been treating his brother but he needed that grounding. He wanted so badly to feel that Al still cared enough to be angry with him…even if it seemed so deadly beyond limits.

Slowly, Ed lifted his automail to his eyes, wiping his sleeve across his eyes to drag away the remnants of few fallen tears and allowed the cool metal to rest on his face briefly like a splash of ice water to wake him. He wanted to say nothing, to bite his tongue and hold it there until the magical words to fix everything appeared in his head. But, he knew that wouldn’t happen and he had to say something…to do something. There was a fatal flaw in the design of his bloody wall and at the moment he darkened Ed’s doorway, looking as though the world rested upon his shoulders. And on some level, it did, Ed was transferring the weight to him as much as he’d tried so avoid it.

Breathing deep again, Edward pushed himself up from the bed not sure why or where he was going but he looked at Al, for once not faltering. “I’m sorry,” he said, hands clenching at his sides, “I can’t explain anything now…please, just give me time.” It sounded more like him, a little stronger, like he had himself back somewhat if only for a moment and the fact that he knew it wouldn’t last was the straw that broke to take it away once more…

[Alphonse Elric]

Waiting, it was something a lot of people did, over and over, day in day out...waiting. Different things, different times, but always the same thing. He'd become accustomed to waiting, it was something he did more often than not, wait for Edward to come home from work, wait for Edward to talk to him...wait for Edward to react, it was a cycle, one he wanted to break. He didn't want to wait forever....but that was what it seemed like, he'd been waiting for a long time, for something to happen, but this wasn't exactly what he'd been waiting for...and yet...there was something he had waited for in all of this, in all of this confusion, anger...revulsion...there was something. It wasn't overly noticeable perhaps, a flicker of life in the embers of a fire before it extinguished, but it had been there...yes, as confusing as this whole thing had been, it seemed, for however brief a moment, Edward was there, the stranger leaving him if only for a moment...but it was perhaps a redeeming moment, a moment of hope for the younger Elric...his brother wasn't completely lost.

Alphonse watched his brother in silence, staring as his lifted his auto-mail to his eyes, seeing him drag away what he could only surmise were tears. The younger boys heart began to feel heavy, he swallowed hard against the rising lump in his throat as he blinked back tears of his own that wanted to fall. He was seeing a vulnerability, one that Edward never showed to anyone...and rarely him, but it was there....and somehow he felt guilty knowing that he at least in some part had caused that vulnerability to surface. He didn't want to hurt his brother...that was the last thing he wanted to do, but he was doing that right? Hurting him inadvertently, he knew that maybe he really should have gone...despite what Edward had just said, despite what he'd said himself...but he couldn't....deep down he knew he didn't really want to leave, no matter how bad things got, no matter how many harsh words, no matter how many times he'd been ignored....he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

The younger boy moved back slightly as Edward stood and he watched him with an unwavering gaze, eyes glistening with the tears that threatened to fall from his own eyes. “I’m sorry,” The confusion on the younger Elric's face became more apparent as his brother spoke...sorry? He was....Ed was...apologising? In that moment the tears that Alphonse had been holding back so well flowed and he bit down on his bottom lip, his expression becoming more saddened. “I can’t explain anything now…please, just give me time.” Time...yeah...he deserved that...Alphonse drew his left hand across his eyes gently, wiping away his tears, a light sniffle leaving him. “O-Ok brother.” it came out more of a squeak than anything else, but he was content...for the moment at least, to give his brother that time...it was like a promise, he'd tell him eventually...or would he? Was this just another way to keep Alphonse sated for a while? Perhaps, but for now the younger Elric didn't really care. Without thinking the younger boy moved forward and wrapped his arms around his brother, embracing him for but a brief moment before he withdrew from him again, his left hand moving to rub the back of his neck as he lowered his eyes to the floor, seemingly embarrassed by his own actions.

[Edward Elric]

For a moment it had felt so right, to again be himself even if it lasted for only a glimmering second; right enough to make him doubt the shell he’d crawled into. But not enough to drag him back out, simply to let a little bit of desperately needed light. It was so impossible, since he’d started having those dreams for a good day to come along and he’d been starting to believe that even a decent moment was far from his grasp. For even that brief a second he’d felt human again, he’d felt determined to do something, even if that was nothing more than to do the right thing for once and say two simple words; he only wondered if he would again wish he’d bitten his tongue and kept quiet. His answer, he was sure, would come from Alphonse any second, at that moment he simply looked bewildered by Edward’s outburst.

It was merely an instant later that he began to cry, and Ed was sure he’d done the wrong thing…again. It seemed so futile to continue to keep Alphonse from being in pain when it seemed merely being around Ed caused him so much. He watched, practically horrified as Al lifted an arm to wipe it across his eyes knowing he would be left alone again very soon. “O-OK, brother.” Alphonse said, sounding a lot like the tiny mouse his animal of choice would generally chase. Edward wasn’t sure if it should have made him smile, that he’d received such a simple acceptation or cry himself. It seemed so terribly unfair to have asked Alphonse for more time when he’d already taken so much of it…then again, there was little else he could have done except let Al leave, and he wasn’t sure he could have handled that in his state.

Edward flinched dramatically at the sudden vast, movement Alphonse made. Not because he was frightened but because he was terribly surprised, Al had seemed in the habit of making small, slow gestures when Ed was around almost like he was a rabid, dangerous animal. It was further surprise, shock even, that the movement was to hug him. It was so very Al to hug him just because he’d done something small and Ed felt like crying again, wishing for a moment that he’d done something bigger, something more worth the compensation. He didn’t know what to do, to continue to stand stock still like a bit of timber or to maybe hug him back. The decision, though, was made for him as Alphonse pulled back like he’d been pushed and stood there looking like he wasn’t sure exactly what he’d done or why.

Ed licked his dry lips a bit nervously; he wasn’t sure how to continue. He had stood up as though he had some purpose only nowhere to go and had done something so…normal. The atmosphere had changed slightly, been made somewhat less heavy leaving him unwilling to change it yet not knowing how to keep it the same. “Al…” he whispered meaninglessly, knowing he needed to be alone again, to reconstruct that bit of his fallen barrier because he could feel it. The bile rising to the back of his throat again at the memory of smelling the rotting flesh left upon familiar sights and he knew it would drag him down again, he just didn’t want to make Alphonse watch as it did.

Slowly, he sank back onto his bed, less purposefully and looked up at Al, pleading in a way and hoping that he’d get the message…maybe.

[Alphonse Elric]

He wasn’t exactly sure what had made him move forward, what had made him hug his brother...it wasn’t that he regretted doing it...or maybe he did a little, he’d held back a lot over the last few months, there had been a lot of times where he had restrained himself in front of his brother, whether that was suppressing the urge to cry or merely preventing himself from doing as he had already done. He had known somewhere inside that if he hadn’t stopped himself from embracing his brother, he’d probably never have let go...but he was slipping away from him regardless. Perhaps that was why he had chosen now to hug him, so many times he simply couldn’t bring himself to, out of fear, worry, so many conflicting emotions dancing in his head...but today, today there had been no confliction for a second, that moment of clear thought and it seemed that was all he had needed to allow himself that one brief moment, to hold onto what was left of his brother before it faded away forever.

The atmosphere was no longer choking within the room, but it still wasn’t as settled as the younger boy had hoped for, there was still something there, but for the most part Alphonse could say that his own tension had dissipated, though he was far from feeling joyous over everything that had happened. There was only one good thing to have come of this, and that was seeing that whatever happened...Edward really was still there, he was still his brother, not just the stranger now...was he fighting it? Was he fighting that demon he held within? Knowing Edward, Alphonse surmised that he was...to the best of his ability, but that was another point...just how far had his brother’s ability already been stretched? How much longer before....no, no he wasn’t going to think about it...he’d find a way to fight it...he would...he always did...he was always the strong one...always. “Al…” Grey eyes were fixated upon the elder Elric, once more as he heard his name, a whisper, but Alphonse said nothing...there was no real need to say anything.

As Edward sank back onto his bed the younger boy shifted back a little ways....there was that awkwardness again...and the way Edward was looking at him....did...did he want him to leave? Alphonse frowned slightly but quickly withdrew the expression from his face, forcing a somewhat weak smile to spread across his lips, better to have him see him smile than frown. “I-I guess..I’ll uh...” he said somewhat quietly, coughing to clear his throat which oddly seemed to still posses that god awful lump within its depths...but that would go away in a little while. “It’s not too late, so...I’m going to go to the library...if...if that’s ok with you?”. He wasn’t quite sure why he’d asked permission...it had just come out....he didn’t really need Edward’s approval, but somehow he’d wanted it, though he couldn’t explain why. Shaking his head slightly the younger Elric began to make his way out of the room, not awaiting an answer from his brother...best to leave, best to be quiet...best to wait.