A good sign [PRP: ED]

[Alphonse Elric]

Rain, why was it always raining here? Every time he found himself venturing from his home it seemed the sky would open up and he'd once again curse himself for forgetting to take his coat with him, thinking the day would have been fine. It was funny how quickly the rain could come, today was no exception to that. It had been a fairly nice day when he had lift, if a little chilly, and perhaps he should have remembered to take his coat, but his mind wasn't really with him at the time, he'd just wanted to get out of the flat, give Edward some breathing space, and give himself a chance to think. If his mind had been clearer, he would have noticed that it was casting over with dark clouds but thankfully it hadn't actually started raining until he'd reached the library, a small mercy perhaps, but that hadn't stopped him from pausing beneath the water, letting it cool his face as he had looked skywards before heading inside.

The library hadn't been busy, it rarely was when he went, but the day hadn't been uneventful,not in the least. For one he had met a girl there, she seemed nice enough, but she very obviously wasn't from London, her accent gave that away, though he hadn't exactly been sure what kind of accent it was, but had chosen not to think on it too much as the girls English was good enough for him to be able to understand her regardless of it. Perhaps the most eventful thing was something he had hardly expected...he'd seen her again...Jayne, he couldn't help the elation he felt in that fact and even as he thought on it now his cheeks flushed slightly, cooled only by the rain that still fell heavily around him. He'd spent several hours talking, just talking...it was nice, to be able to have a conversation with someone especially considering Edward wasn't exactly social of late. Alphonse wasn't sure when he had lost track of time, when the hour had reached closing time for the library, when he'd eventually left for home....he knew it was late, if anything a little too late for someone his age to be roaming the streets...but he cared little of that...at least for the most part.

The younger Elric ran a hand through sodden bangs, wiping them back along his forehead as they attempted to obscure his vision. He was well and truly soaked, his shirt having reached the point where his skin showed through the transparency that had occurred. There were worse things than being wet...the only thing that was on his mind right now...was how he was going to explain this to Edward. It was somewhere after eleven...or maybe twelve...he wasn't exactly sure, but he knew it was late, it wasn't as though he'd intended to remain out this long...but there wasn't much he could do about that now. Maybe he'd get lucky, maybe Edward would have gone to bed already and he could easily sneak into the house unnoticed...it was a good theory at least, but one that was probably wrong. As he turned the corner of the street Alphonse quickened his pace, practically bouncing up the steps to the flat as he once again brushed his hair back, he'd have to change as soon as he got in, no good sitting around in wet clothes. Biting down on his lower lip, the younger boy slowly placed his key in the door, turning it slowly before pushing the door open and taking a few cautious steps inside. Moonlight streamed in from the living room window, lighting the hallway in silver...the lights were off, that was a good sign. “Good” he thought as he quietly kicked off his shoes in the hallway before moving silently into the living room.

[Edward Elric]

Edward wiped a hand over his face, cooling his skin with metal and dashing sleep from his eyes. He had been listening to the droll, steady tick of the grandfather clock before him, counting seconds as they uneventfully fell into the past. But that had passed as well, the loudness of the rain barreling towards earth and dropping like large tears on the windows interrupted his quiet pondering and he’d lost track of the last few seconds to go on by. Little by little the last hour had pulled him, no kicking, no screaming, into the depths of despair he so often nestled upon. It was half past twelve; far later than Alphonse had ever stayed out before. At least not without Edward and the last time they’d stayed out late together seemed so far gone Ed could hardly grasp the concept. He tugged himself further onto the couch, curling his feet beneath him and taking up as little room as possible, allowing the emptiness of the house to make him feel small and alone.

His mind was filled, overflowing, with the thought of being totally alone. He had never truly been totally alone before. Early, there was always mom and later even when he should have felt the most lonesome there was always Al or Winry, even Granny Pinako. In this strange world where he’d quite almost lost the will to fight there was no one, a universe stretched between him and the Rockbells and it seemed something even larger spanned between he and Al. Which was why he stared at the clock basked in moonlight, barely visible even to his adjusted eyes and as the minute hand moved forward once more his hopes that Alphonse would still show waned.

The lids on his eyes felt leaden, continuously begging to droop and allow the jaws of another restless night to take their gory toll but each moment he forced them to open, remain awake if only to wallow in self-pity. He wanted to be worried, and on some level he was, afraid that something had happened to keep Alphonse away and had every few minutes thought about going to look for him. But it seemed too implausible and he could only selfishly think that reason for Al’s lateness was his own damn fault. He’d pushed his brother away and this time he wasn’t pushing back.

The rain still fell, becoming heavier with every sheet that coated the house, and louder, or maybe that was just him. It reminded him that he’d been dreaming again, stormy weather seemed always a bad omen for events to come. It had always accompanied dreams of that night, where he’d made his most fatal, unforgivable mistake, just as it had at the time. He couldn’t remember if there had been rain the day Hohenheim had left them, but he imagined the droplets had stung the ground that evening, too. And it was of no help that, especially not having had a proper tune-up in at least a year, that his automail ached. The weather induced pain had always made him somewhat unpleasant to be around and in his state it was only worse.

There was noise at the doorway and Ed felt his chest clench. He had not exactly prepared himself for Al’s return; he’d been so sure there would be none. It was strange that the first emotion was anger, that he was not only angry at himself for thinking Al so shallow, but angry that Alphonse had left him to think he was gone for good. Curiosity was also there, wondering what Al could possibly have been doing after midnight. It was very quiet but Edward’s ear picked up the definite sound of the door closing and he waited only a few moments before Alphonse appeared quietly around the corner, probably thinking he wouldn’t have to explain himself. Edward braced himself to be angry, relaxing slightly from his poise on the couch. “Where have you been?” He asked the dark form of his brother, his voice sounding snipped and cold as he’d expected.

[Alphonse Elric]

Things had gone on longer than he had expected today, the morning for one, the small fight with his brother...except it wasn’t a fight per se, not really anyway, and it was mostly one sided....but he’d tried to apologise for his outburst, but then things hadn’t worked out quite so well. There had been a reconciliation with his brother however brief and he’d hugged him...a reaction he still found himself confused by, he wasn’t sure why he had decided to hug Edward...but he’d wanted to so badly at that point, if he hadn’t felt so utterly embarrassed at his own actions he probably wouldn’t have let go. He’d had the whole day to reflect on things, but had found himself easily distracted by the company he had kept at the library and elsewhere, sometimes it felt good to just talk, even if he couldn’t really discuss Edward with anyone else, he didn’t want to burden anyone, least of all Jayne.

There was a small semblance of guilt for what he was doing, if only slight, he was pleased with the thought that he had apparently avoided another chance of confrontation, not that he expected anything overly bad to come his way even if Edward did find out...it was a mistake, and nothing more, but he would rather have kept it quiet, kept it hidden from him...he didn’t want to have to repeat the morning allover again. First things first, grab a towel from the bathroom and dry himself off, then dry up the water he was no doubt dripping onto the floor from his soaked clothing, somehow this was a familiar feeling, like the child hiding the sheets when he had wet the bed...he was hiding the evidence...or he would have, if something hadn’t caught his attention, a voice in the darkness, a voice that sounded none too pleased...cold...and familiar all the same.

“Where have you been?” The younger boy practically jumped out of his skin turning sharply to face the sound of the voice, grey eyes vaguely making out a figure on the couch in the darkness. For a moment Alphonse stood rigid, eyes wide...damn...he’d been caught, what was he going to say? Tell the truth? No...he didn’t want to do that...at least he didn’t want to tell the whole truth...lie then? Edward would probably see through that easily enough, Alphonse wasn’t exactly adept in the area of lying...still...he had to say something instead of standing there like a frightened idiot. “...Library” he replied swallowing hard, that was partially true at least, even if the library had closed several hours previous and somehow he found himself hoping that Edward wasn’t aware of that fact...but it was a perhaps somewhat foolish to imagine he wouldn’t know something as simple as that...maybe this would blow over easily, maybe Edward would leave it at that...he could hope at least.

[Edward Elric]

Edward’s fingers curled around the couch arm, digging deeply into the fabric, a minimal vent for the adrenaline that had attacked his system at the opening of the door. Alphonse wasn’t usually so careless, he would always check in with an impromptu phone call, or just stopping by to say he’d be out late. It wasn’t that Ed really believed he had room to talk, he had always been one to lose track of time. Whether that be because he was so wrapped up in a book that the hours flew by or that, like lately, his mind was reeling into different avenues of depression. But it seemed so wrong that Alphonse had done something so like him. The possibility that his immediate reaction of anger stemmed from guilt, knowing that he had to be responsible, on some level, for Al’s lateness. Ed knew if it were him he wouldn’t have wanted to come home to this silent hell either.

Ed had seen Alphonse flinch, surprised by his voice and for a few moments remained quiet and Ed wondered what exactly kind of answer he expected to come of his question. In the back of his mind, he’d set a trap for his brother, the question was rigged: no acceptable answer existed. “…Library.” Alphonse finally said, and Ed felt it again, a well of anger boiling in the pit of his stomach. The library? Did Al think simply because he was having some issues that he had become stupid? The library had been closed for many hours at this point and unless Alphonse had stuck around to trespass Ed doubted highly that that was where he’d been for so long. Why would he lie? What would he like to hide? …Unless… Unless it was that he didn’t want to come home, maybe he’d spent the time away arguing with himself about whether or not he should return.

It wasn’t fair; Edward knew perfectly well, to expect Al to tell him everything when he himself was hiding so much. But those dreams were his secret, and he was not keeping them solely to keep them, he wanted to protect Alphonse from the dense horrors clogging his sanity. He was sure, still, that that did not excuse his behavior or his secret, but that was not the point. He could not understand why Al would wish to hide something from him if it was just being out somewhere for the evening.

He crossed one leg over the other in a quick motion that while he knew Al could not see it, was somehow meant to be condescending and muttered finitely, “I’m not stupid.” Alphonse should have been able to grasp his meaning from those words. He wanted to know the truth, and he was sure he would be able to tell it from a lie. “So don’t try to pretend it.” The words were scathing and hateful, Ed could hear the tone ring in his head disgustingly and even worse, he didn’t really want to take it back.

[Alphonse Elric]

This was great, no really it was, of everything that had happened during the day this was probably one of the worst moments he could think of. Alright, getting soaked hadn’t exactly been the highlight of his evening anyway, and coming home had been something he’d been dreading for about an hour when he finally realised that it had to be pretty late, but he had hardly expected his brother to be sitting up waiting for him, wasn’t he supposed to have work tomorrow? He’d rather hoped to avoid a confrontation, if Ed had gone to bed it would have been easier, he could have feigned innocence in the morning, maybe say that he had come home not long after, but no such luck now. Truth be told he half wished he hadn’t bothered to come home at all but there was some guilt attached to that though, he admitted that he had debated staying out, though had thought better of it when he realised he would have no where else to spend the night...better to go home and face the music as it were.

The atmosphere in the room was cold and though the younger Elric could not see his brothers face he imagined that he might have been scowling, glaring at him in the darkness and instinctively he felt his own expression change from that mild shock to a scowl, regarding the shadowy figure of his brother with a certain level of animosity. He didn’t have to tell him the truth, it wasn’t as though he deserved it anyway, he was keeping enough secrets himself and no amount of pushing that Alphonse did made him reveal them...so why should he have to tell him the whole truth? Normally perhaps the younger boy would not be thinking like that, but it was late, he was soaked, and he was dreading a third degree from his brother, frankly he didn’t feel equipped to handle that right now, he just wanted to dry himself off and go to bed, but it was doubtful Edward was going to let him do that anytime soon, not if he didn’t give him the right answers anyway, and it seemed the library excuse wasn’t going to work as well as he thought it would.

Alphonse’s eyes had adjusted at least in part to the dimness of the room and though he wasn’t exactly sure what Edward was doing, he knew he had moved, the shape of the shadow shifting. “I’m not stupid.” Well it seemed he had been right in assuming his excuse wouldn’t cut it...not that he really cared all that much. “So don’t try to pretend it.” The younger boy flexed his fingers somewhat before shuddering slightly, rolling his shoulders as the coolness of his soaked shirt settled on his skin in a rather clingy manner...why did that always happen when something got wet anyway? There was a pause, a moment to reflect on what Edward had said, a moment to think of a retort, of something to respond with, frankly every answer he thought he could give was flippant, and yet he wasn’t bothered by that fact. “Fine, you’re not stupid” he said finally, his own voice sounding cold as defiance settled upon him, arms folding across his chest. “But that’s all you're getting out of me”. Stubbornness was something that Edward and Alphonse shared, and although it was rare that the younger boy exhibited his own, it seemed now was as good a time as any.

[Edward Elric]

The atmosphere between himself and Al had not been pleasant since the dreams had started, quiet and uninviting as hell, but it had never quiet crossed the line of silence into hostility. Except for now, it was there, teetering ever so obviously on the edge, frustration on both Elric’s part turning quickly into a deep seated fury. Ed could feel it, and it pissed him off beyond words. Edward had never liked being quiet, in Amestris he had talked almost non-stop and never waited for someone to ask before speaking his mind. But in the Europe, because of those blasted dreams he found himself quiet, and it was brimming. He didn’t want to say nothing, and he certainly didn’t want to keep the anger inside.

Alphonse didn’t speak for a long while and Ed was certain he was debating whether or not to lie. The simple thought of Al lying to him over something so seemingly pointless was positively maddening. Despite Ed’s own secrets he found himself wondering, infuriatingly, what right Al had to keep secrets from him. In the back of his mind he knew it was ridiculous of him to think that, and unfair in the extreme. There was even guilt, always chewing at his consciousness, telling him that it was probably his fault that Alphonse was angry. It even alerted him that it would definitely be his doing if Alphonse decided to leave and never did come back. But fury, a sort of bitter-sweet release he hadn’t been allowed over months, kept him from caring that he was to blame. Blame took no part in his argumentative nature.

“Fine, you’re not stupid.” Alphonse eventually voiced, his tone cool and sounding almost as though he didn’t believe those words himself. There was movement before he continued, and Ed was pretty sure he’d just crossed his arms as though he were a disapproving costumer. “But that’s all you’re getting out of me.” Ed knew he had a tendency to treat Al like a child, simply because he was a year younger but now it seemed that was the only proper response. His cheeky reply sounded like that of a displeased six year old. Even worse, it reminded Ed of himself at six.

Ed didn’t wait to reply, no hesitant pause, nothing that could allow him to rethink his words or for guilt to consume his answer as it had so often over the previous few months. “And why is that?” He snarled his tone condescending and snide. They’d come out rather harsher than he thought they would, but it didn’t bother him in the slightest. For the next words though, he became slightly quieter but allowed a hint of culpability towards Al leach any of his own fault away. “Don’t I deserve to know what you’ve been doing in order to avoid me?”

He would regret the argument he knew would follow, there was no doubting that. But rage had reared its head with a smiling mouth full of razor-sharp teeth, and he was ready to put it to use. Even if for no other reason than to alienate his brother further, because he didn’t want to feel the same sort of pain he had when he’d been so sure Alphonse was gone for good.

[Alphonse Elric]

There were very few times that Alphonse could remember feeling such animosity towards his elder brother, it was funny in a way that earlier that day he had been apologising to him for his little outburst and now here he was on the brink of another. It wasn’t always that way, there wasn’t always anger, and if there was it was never from Alphonse, still, he was angry if only little at the moment. He was behaving somewhat childishly perhaps and it was something he was willing to admit to himself, but he was fourteen, he had a right to act childishly if he so wished, granted in actual fact he had been alive for nineteen years, but he hadn’t matured further, no, he was still a child at the end of the day, and frankly right now he didn’t care if his behaviour was innapropriate.

“And why is that?” He didn’t have to give him an answer, there was nothing making him and quite frankly he was willing to keep Edward in the dark, after all, he was keeping him in the dark about so many things. “Don’t I deserve to know what you’ve been doing in order to avoid me?” Grey eyes widened somewhat as those words were uttered and the younger boy stood there in mute shock. Guilt was rising in the pit of his stomach, a guilt that had easily receded when he had felt that anger well inside him...he wasn’t avoiding him, he wasn’t trying to...it was like he was making this all his fault. This whole thing was messed up...Edward was trying so hard to make him feel guilty, and he admitted he had been doing a good job of it, but he wasn’t going to let him win this one, not this time.

The younger Elric’s shock receded almost as quickly as the guilt did once more as he felt his anger return as he mulled things over. How dare he...how dare he try and make this entire thing his fault, damn it, Ed had been avoiding him not the other way around, how the hell could he say that he had no right, no right at all! “Me avoiding you!?” he shouted angrily, arms now at his sides as he clenched his fists tightly. “You’re the one who’s been avoiding me!” This wasn’t fair, he’d spent so much time trying to get Edward to talk to him, to open up to him, and all he had met was silence, and now, the one time he wanted to keep something himself, the one time that he wished to be quiet on something, it was apparently unacceptable, and Edward wanted to send him on some god forsaken guilt trip,that just wasn’t fair! “I don’t have to tell you everything brother” he said his anger refusing to die down as he ground his teeth a little. “If you can keep secrets so can I!”.

[Edward Elric]

His words had taken their toll, at least for a moment. He could feel it in the air, Alphonse’s anger had dissipated into guilt but Edward had a feeling it wouldn’t last, it wasn’t supposed to. There were other words he could have said to leave their mark on the evening but he had yet to draw the big guns and he didn’t think he would again be given the chance; and he wasn’t sure he wanted it.

The guilt trip had been a cruel and insecure route to go, working more towards making himself feel guilty that Al. It was a low, animalistic blow and he regretted it, but it also felt almost like a test. Whatever Al said to him would determine whether or not Alphonse really had given up on him, not that if he had Ed would have blamed him at all.

“Me avoiding you?! You’re the one that’s been avoiding me!” The loudness of Al’s voice was like a punch to the gut and Edward cringed, actually physically clenching his stomach. “I don’t have to tell you everything, brother. If you can keep secrets, so can I!” And hell was the ever true and even worse, Ed knew it perfectly well. But that wasn’t necessarily the point, it wasn’t about fair, it was about curiosity. There was no reason in the world for Al to fell he had to tell Ed everything, even though they used to, even less so when it came to how hard Edward tried to keep everything inside.

Avoiding. The word hit home, in a terrible sort of way. That was too much the actuality of the situation and Ed did not like to be confronted with it. He didn’t want to be avoiding Alphonse, he wished he could tell him everything, lay himself on the line and hope to be bloody accepted for it. Al had helped him with so many things in the past it was painful to not be able to turn to him for something. If only he could make Alphonse understand it wasn’t about leaving him out, it was…

“I’m not avoiding you, I’m trying to protect you!” He shouted, without precedent and his own words sounded even louder that Al’s had, especially after such a long, guilt ridden pause. “You wouldn’t understand,” he hissed, so far beneath his breath he didn’t know if Al would hear, or if he’d intended him to. It all seemed so wrong; the argument, his anger and onus to the situation and even worse Al’s fury. They’d always managed to get over things, but together, and this time Edward wasn’t sure together was the way to go. But…at the same time, he didn’t think he could do it alone.

Edward brought a hand up to his face, rubbing it across his mouth only to pause and nervously bite at a finger.

It was…different now.

[Alphonse Elric]

This was ridiculous, the whole thing was getting way out of hand, he didn’t want to argue with his brother, or at least that hadn’t been his intention when he had stepped through the front door, his only intention had been to pretend that he had not done anything wrong, even though he knew in a way he had. He’d made his brother worry for one, he knew that much, even if there was anger in the air, even if it flowed both ways, he knew that some of the anger had been born of concern…even if he didn’t want to admit it. Why would he be so concerned now? He’d spent so long seeming to care little about things that frankly now that Edward was showing an interest Alphonse found himself feeling confusion with every other emotion that flitted through his brain. Why were things so hard? Hadn’t they been through enough without more things to add to the already highly stacked drama that was their lives? He had thought things would be different on leaving Amestris…but truthfully, things were just as bad.

“I’m not avoiding you, I’m trying to protect you!” Anger receded again and the younger Elric found himself simply staring at the shadow of his brother. Protect him? Protect him from what exactly? That was cryptic, something Al couldn’t get his head around, there wasn’t anything to protect him from, not here…why was he…it didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t think, couldn’t process much of anything, becoming increasingly aware of the tiredness he was feeling, a sense of exhaustion, not to mention the slight trembling that had consumed him as his body reacted to the coldness around him, trying to warm itself against the rain soaked clothes that still pressed against his skin in a sticky and somewhat uncomfortable sensation. He didn’t quite hear the last words and he frowned deeply, his breath stuttering out of him as his trembling worsened.

Suddenly there was a flash of light as lightning coursed across the sky, lighting the room briefly before casting it into darkness once more, the roaring sound of thunder following shortly after. There was a pause on Alphonse’s part, his anger receding to plain irritability as he moved back against the wall, a hand raised to rest against his face as he tried to think, tried to find something to say, the one time he found himself lost for words, the one time he needed them, wanted to scream at Edward that he didn’t need protecting…but he couldn’t speak for a time and he merely closed his eyes as the room once again lit up with the effects of the weather. “What do you want me to say Ed?” he replied finally, his voice quiet in the darkness. “Do you expect me to accept it all just because you think I need protecting? I’m not a little kid anymore…”.

[Edward Elric]

It had been, just as it seemed everything that came out of his mouth was, was a senseless, conceited thing to shout about. Maybe Alphonse wouldn’t understand what he was doing or the logic behind it, but what kind of absurd notion was it that thinking Ed was, even convolutedly so, trying to protect him would make any difference? Besides, as much as he attempted to avoid and deny it he knew better than anyone that his efforts more often left Alphonse hurt than ‘protected’. He felt stupid all around, the words he spoke and everything he did. He was trying to protect someone who probably didn’t want to protected, and doing it badly…very badly.

The flash of lightening startled him from his thoughts and brought his attention back to Al. “What do you want me to say, Ed?” Edward wanted to scream. What did he want Al to say? He wanted him to say, ‘okay I accept you for being a pathetic, sniveling mess and now I plan to go about my business’ or to simply say ‘I’m sick of you and don’t want anything to with you anymore’. It was painful to want Alphonse to say that sort of thing, but inside he couldn’t deny it would be better for his brother to up and leave; be done with the wretched mess he had turned into and move on. “Do you expect me to accept it all just because you think I need protecting? I’m not a little kid anymore…”

Alphonse was much too reasonable, his anger seemed to have faded some and he spoke more calmly. It was far from what Ed would have done in his shoes, a high emphasis on the past tense. Had anyone treated him the way he’d been treating Al he would have thrown a fit, knocked something over or sent someone home with a few less teeth. But no, Al had never been like that, Al was just like mom -especially when it came to Ed. He was always so patient in a situation when someone else would have broken his nose or in Mom’s case would have grounded him for the rest of his life.

His emotions were too close to the surface, comparing his brother to their mother made his chest tighten and sprung tears to his eyes; he wiped them away harshly. He didn’t want Al to feel sorry for him, it wasn’t a guilt trip anymore, it wasn’t about getting off the hook, it was about making Alphonse understand without divulging his secret.

“It doesn’t matter how old you are,” he started a little warily, his voice shook with the emotion he’d stoppered attempting to spill out and he paused a moment to force it away once more. “You’re still my little brother.” Ed wanted to change the subject before he cracked further, he just didn’t know how. Maybe Alphonse would yell at him again and he could dredge up some more anger, at least that would keep him from seeming so pitiful.

[Alphonse Elric]

“It doesn’t matter how old you are,” Alphonse looked over in Edward's direction as he began to speak, grey eyes scanning his shadowy form as he shifted on the couch. “You’re still my little brother.” That hit him hard and Alphonse bit down on his lower lip to avoid the sob he wanted to release. Yes, no matter how old he got he would always be Edward's little brother, gone were the days when people could so easily mistake him for the elder of the two for the simple fact that he had towered over his brother when he had been within his armoured body, but now, now he was only an inch or two taller than Ed and no doubt he was destined to be quite a bit taller than his brother (considering he was still growing) It didn't matter in the end though. For some reason the last words his brother had spoken resounded inside his head and he felt guilt once again rising to take the place of every other emotion.

He didn't understand it, why was he the one feeling guilty? It was like a bad joke, the kind that had everyone else laughing and left you feeling somewhat stung...a joke directed at you. Maybe he'd been wrong in the way he had handled this from the start, maybe he should have just stayed out, or simply ignored Edward's presence when he had spoken to him, but in the back of his mind he knew that that would have caused far more problems than the ones he had now. Even if he was feeling guilty about all of this, he knew he would have felt far worse if he had ignored his brother all together, he knew what it was to be ignored...and as much as he felt Edward would have deserved it, he couldn't bring himself to behave in the same manner.

Another flash of lightning and the younger Elric shuddered violently, sliding down the wall, pulling his knees into his chest as he sat on the floor trying to gain some slight hold over the shivering his body was doing involuntarily. It seemed the cold was beginning to win out and it took all the will in the world to stop his teeth from chattering, this whole thing was ridiculous...and it could so easily have been avoided. “Ed...” he said finally, releasing his breath in a shaky sigh. “I'm sorry...that I came home so late, I just...lost track of time, that's all”. He wasn't sure why he was apologising, even though he knew he should have been, it was mostly his fault...all right maybe it was all his fault, but he didn't really care right now, for he knew if he didn't say something, he was going to be here a while, and he wasn't sure his protesting body could take much more of this.

[Edward Elric]

Edward knew it was time to stop, there was very little left for him to say. If Alphonse was angry with him, he had every right to be and there was nothing he could –would- say to change it. His fingernails dug into the palm of his hand, a small painful reminder that he was not quite as disconnected with the world as he would like to have been and he shuddered as though he were the one that had just come in from the freezing rain. Wait…the freezing rain?

Ed’s head whipped around to stare stupidly out the window where torrential rain made its way down the heavy panes of glass. Alphonse had just been out in that, yet Ed had kept him detained in the living room ever since. He hadn’t the time to dry off or changes clothes. Edward bit his lip, turning again to face his brother in the darkness. That had been thoughtless and cold of him, to put his angry self-pity above making sure Alphonse took care of himself, and the guilt he was already feeling welled angry and berating inside his chest.

A flash of lightening and the crash of thunder shook him from his mute gaping making him push himself to his feet just as Alphonse did the opposite. Ed swallowed a lump of anguish wondering when he’d become so unconcerned, when had his own wallowing misfortune become more important than Al? No, it was all for Al, that was the reason he kept himself closed off, but even now… “Ed…” Alphonse’s voice rent trenches of remorse through his heart to be refilled with self-loathing. “I'm sorry...that I came home so late, I just...lost track of time, that's all.” It hurt that Alphonse was apologizing to him, again, over something that was entirely Ed’s fault, but he didn’t know how to take it back. There was no room for apologies in Edward’s tightening chest.

He didn’t know what there was to do; his defenses were falling, crumbling beneath the weight of a little chill and rain. “Al,” his words began shaky and he hoped Alphonse could pick the regret from their unsteady depths, because his tone had to say it all he simply couldn’t form the words. “You should…you should get to bed, it’s late.” He didn’t mention the cold or the wet; it was too much like admitting he’d finally gone too far and put himself before Al, for no reason but his own sense of protection.

Lightening once more floodlit the room, closer this time, and illuminated Al’s small, huddled form reminding Edward of the upset boy who used to hug his knees and watch the river until Edward would bring him home for dinner. Only this time, he didn’t jump to continue the fight and Ed didn’t beckon him to follow. Why would anyone follow such a terrific mess? As bad as his nightmares had become it was almost like he never did wake.

[Alphonse Elric]

This was nostalgic in a way, this atmosphere, his current position on the floor, seated with his arms wrapped around his legs, huddled up. He’d done this so many times before as a child whenever he and his brother would fight, he would always find himself by the riverbank, staring down at the water in the same huddled position he was in now, but there was no water for him to stare at here, no warmth from the sun on his back, only the chill of the room, and the deafening sound of the thunder outside. This was nothing like the arguments they used to have, they hadn’t come to blows in years, and the last time they had fought it had been with alchemy rather than fists, brothers fought...there was no way around that really, but this wasn’t a fight exactly...or rather it hadn’t been a fight, he wasn’t really sure what it was now, but any anger the younger Elric had held at the beginning of this ‘conversation’ had dissolved beneath his tiredness.

Edward moved and Alphonse shifted slightly, placing his chin against his knees as his brother form became visible for a moment as lightening coursed across the sky before he was once again draped in shadow. It seemed somehow fitting, after all, Edward had already draped himself in shadows, allowing whatever it was that was tormenting him to take a hold, allowing it to change him from the inside out. Alphonse’s thoughts always returned to the problem with his brother...problem, oh how he wanted to laugh at that word, there had once been a time when Edward himself was considered a problem, disobedient and down right flippant, especially where Colonel Mustang was concerned. He’d always been hot-headed, but one thing he had never been was a quitter, and perhaps that was why it was so painful to see him this way, had he really given in?

“Al,” There was a pause and Alphonse waited it out quietly. “You should…you should get to bed, it’s late.” For a while the younger Elric made no attempt to respond, nor did he move from his spot on the floor. He admitted he had wanted this, wanted Edward to release him from the situation, only now he found himself wishing he hadn’t thought of it at all. “...Right” he replied finally as he attempted to rise, placing a palm on the wall to aid him to his feet before he simply stared at his brother,. Grey eyes searching but finding nothing in his shadow, but his tone...it had sounded regretful, and perhaps there was a touch of guilt hidden within, and he found himself feeling some slight elation in that, even if he knew he shouldn’t have. Shaking his head a little the younger Elric made for the door to the hallway, every intention of stopping at the bathroom first to snag a towel, but as he reached the door he paused. “Brother...when you said you needed time,” he began, pausing to swallow uncomfortably. “...How much?”.

[Edward Elric]

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected. Every guilty man wanted redemption, even the slightest change in tone; it was childish notion that he knew he had to discard until he could find himself. But naïve as it was, it didn’t mean he wasn’t desperately searching for that note of forgiveness in Al’s words, it didn’t mean that the need to feel what he had done was not as bad as it seemed. It was pathetic in a way, he had committed an ultimate sin, he had been responsible for many deaths yet here he was, desperately vying for clemency because he’d made someone slightly, well maybe more than slightly, upset. Of course, it wasn’t just any someone, it was Al and he was worth more than anyone else.

When a quiet, non-committal, “…Right,” was all he got as a reply, Ed felt himself deflate. Once again, he didn’t know what he’d expected, but whatever it had been he was wrong. He watched despondently as in the cover of shadows Alphonse apparently took his advice and rose from where he’d been curled on the floor. Ed swallowed heavily; maybe his care had come too late. The thought was not original, he’d let drop from his conscience so many times over the months he hardly paid it head any longer, until now and it seemed to matter more. It wasn’t just a little mental turmoil he had caused; he had placed his own selfish anger and the need to argue –not a new affection- take precedence over Al’s health. And not for good reason, it was nothing such as putting the lives of twenty people above his body, it was putting the fear and anger he’d only brought upon himself first.

“Brother…” the word snapped Ed’s gaze from the floor to where Al had hesitated outside of the bathroom and he bit his tongue to keep from saying anything until he’d finished. “When you said you needed time,” Al paused and Ed took a deep breath, dreading what he knew was to come. “…How much?” He let the air seep from his lungs, as he pondered his answer.

The truth was there was no real answer. Since his moment of reality, where it felt as if he’d stepped from this haze that veiled his mind, he had given the issue of time no real thought. He had assumed it wouldn’t matter much, in the back of his mind he had figured Alphonse would be gone before he had the chance to tell him. Having forgotten about Al’s safety, though, was like a wake-up call. Reality had slapped him in the face and he knew no matter how bad his dreams were or how torn his mind seemed his relationship with his brother was worth saving, much more than any wall he’d constructed.

But he did need the time, he didn’t know how he could tell Al what was going on, and he was certain to someone who wasn’t experiencing it, it would seem trivial and a stupid thing to be upset over. Al was more understanding than most people, but even with him there was the chance he would deem it ridiculous. There had to be a way to tell him that would make it seem worthwhile, and Ed wouldn’t tell him until he’d found it. “Not much, Al…just a little time…I promise.”

[Alphonse Elric]

Alphonse waited in silence, a silence he found himself comfortable with for once, it seemed Edward needed more than simply time to tell him what was going on, he needed time to ponder his answers too. He'd expected it honestly, he was becoming accustomed to the pauses, the long silence before Edward would eventually manage to speak. His brother had never been one to pause on his own opinions, or one to pause on his responses, if Edward felt it, more often than not he blurted it out, a trait that Alphonse had found at times to be embarrassing, and he had always hated apologising for Edward's outbursts, but now he rarely said anything and even when he did, he always seemed to consider his answers carefully.

“Not much, Al…just a little time…I promise.” He didn't turn as his brother spoke, his hand moving to rest on the door frame, gripping the woodwork tightly before he released a sigh. He'd said that before, that he needed a little time, why couldn't he be specific? Why couldn't he just give him a time, something he could look ahead to, something...just something to keep his mind from wondering all the time, but it was foolish to think that his brother would have given him specifics. He liked doing this didn't he? Keeping him even further in the dark, but Alphonse chose to ignore his own mind for once, telling himself that whatever else his brother may have been, he wasn't cruel, at least not deliberately.

“Ok, I'll give you time brother” he said quietly, leaning around the corner of the door as he fumbled for the bathroom light switch, illuminating himself and the hallway when he eventually found it. “I'll make a promise too.” The younger Elric turned then, facing his brother with what could have been a smile, but if it was it was a forced one. “I'll try...not to bother you about it so much...and...I promise, the next time I stay out all night...I'll...call or something”. Why was he making a promise like that? Fair enough he admitted that at least the latter part of it was reasonable (he didn't want to worry his brother twice) but not to bother him? That was going to be difficult.