One

[Edward Elric]

This, this was familiar, the warm, humid air and the building risen from concrete and kept in the most immaculate of shape before him. Though the weather was hot he could feel the collar of his black jacket chafing against his neck and the extra tug, however slight, of his long red jacket marked with the antichrist with every step. A gentle breeze ruffled the flag hanging proudly above the entrance to Central’s military headquarters, sweeping his bangs across his vision for merely a second but long enough for everything to change. A shadow had cast itself over the sun, drawing the warmth from the air and his skin.

A loud thump he could feel through his entire body drew his attention to where a corner of the once pristine building had crumbled to the ground allowing a trickle of something thick and dark to roll from a pale hand that fell from the opening. Edward’s mouth felt like cotton and his feet like lead, he needed to move, to help but his legs wouldn’t budge and it didn’t help that the breeze had shifted and his nostrils picked up the coarse aroma of smoke. The silence of before began to wane as the crackle of fire and the sound of human terror and rage rose in his midst, a dreadful crescendo of destruction. He swallowed nothing and gathered the courage to turn around and –

Edward shot up from his bed, pulse pounding in his temples and mouth just as dry as it had been in his dream. A sheen of sweat slicked his face and his automail was caught in the sheets. “Fuck,” he murmured to no one. This was the fifth time he’d had a dream like that in only the last week, he couldn’t even count how many he’d had all together and this one however horrific it seemed, was very mild in comparison to most. Slowly he ran a clammy hand over his face to clear the sleep from his eyes. This had to stop, he wasn’t sure how long it would take before he started to believe every dream dredged from his subconscious mind, his thoughts had already begun to encompass the possibility.

Dim sunlight filtered into his room beneath the thin curtains on his windows, was it morning already? Taking a deep, steadying breath Edward swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, hoping that he hadn’t been talking in his sleep again, he didn’t want to have to lie to Al again, not today at least especially with how minor his nightmare had been that time. He cursed again under his breath and decided to go make some coffee and see if Alphonse was awake yet. Oh yes, would be another long bloody day.

[Alphonse Elric]

Silence, just as always, the only sounds that moved through his mind was the familiar sounds that the flat made, the creaking of the floorboards and the light ticking of the grandfather clock that stood in the living room. It was always like this first thing in the morning, silent, and it was a good kind of silence as far as the younger Elric was concerned. He had woken somewhat earlier than normal, though the exact time was far from his mind, the only thing he did remember perhaps was that there had been little to no light in hid room when he had. It was becoming a routine of late, waking up early, though he wasn’t exactly sure why he was doing it...well, stranger things happened, and as far as strange things went, waking at the crack of dawn wasn’t really that bad...still, it bothered him somewhat....mostly because he was still tired.

There had been that moment in which Alphonse had tried to go back to sleep, he’d shifted to his side, pulled the pillow over his head, kicked the sheets off, which honestly only served to make him cold rather than make him sleepy before he’d finally given up. Alphonse raised a hand to his mouth, stifling a yawn before his hand migrated to his hair, ruffling his fringe a little in a tired manner. Even if he was tired, he’d somehow managed to get his mind to focus on something but perhaps given the state of it at the moment it probably hadn’t been the best idea to try and delve into a physics book. It had taken the younger Elric a good five minutes after sitting down upon the couch to realise that he was holding the book upside down...of course he corrected that rather quickly and he’d been thankful for the fact that Edward was still asleep and not around to note his stupidity.

Edward...things hadn’t been right with him lately either, he wasn’t exactly sure what was bothering his elder brother, but whatever is was, it was enough to alter his moods rather drastically. Admittedly Edward had always been rather grumpy in his teens, Alphonse could recall a number of times when he’d pouted for days over something silly, but this wasn’t a childish act....it wasn’t something that seemed to go away either. He’d tried to ask him if everything was alright several times, one of those times he could recall a rather snappy response....something that was unnerving for it wasn’t often that Edward reacted in such a manner towards him. He admitted to himself that this change in his brother bothered him greatly, perhaps more than he would openly admit, especially considering he hadn’t gotten any further in figuring out why Edward was acting so....angry, sometimes, if only for a brief moment, he had wondered if perhaps....he was part of the problem, but it was a momentary thought that was easily brushed aside...but it always seemed to reappear...even when he tried to ignore it.

[Edward Elric]

Edward splashed his face with warm water, the heat reminding him of turning to a blanket of flames engulfing the town of Central -screaming, the metallic smell of blood, ash drifting through the air like gray snow, his gloves blackened from sifting through the rubble for a trace of what he’d-. Snap out of it, he chided himself mentally, looking up at his ragged reflection in the mirror above the sink. Lord he looked terrible, his eyes were ringed with empurpled bags that made him look twice his age and he actually had a few lines around them that certainly weren’t there a few months before. Sighing he reached for a hand towel to scrub his face dry. He felt no more refreshed than if he’d been hit by a freight train but the day had to start sometime, and he couldn’t have convinced himself to go back to sleep if he even thought it possible.

A slender reed of light slipped into the hallway he trudged down from the living room entrance. Al must have been awake; he didn’t think either of them would have forgotten to turn the light off before bedtime. Truthfully, Ed wasn’t exactly sure how to go about talking to Alphonse, not so soon after one of those dreams. Although he hadn’t been talking to Al much at all the few weeks before. His vocabulary around anyone was limited to little more than grunts or occasionally a shouting match if someone decided to get too pushy. Unfortunately Al had been on the receiving end of that, and while he felt guilty about it he couldn’t seem to control it.

Edward stepped into the living room where Al was seated in a large, rather tattered armchair. A heavy, leather bound book lay open across his lap that Ed recognized as a physics book he’d picked up a few weeks before. Al looked almost as worn as the chair he perched upon and, knowing he was part of the cause, Edward couldn’t bring himself to say anything, not even hi. Instead he worked his shoulders in a way that might have been recognition or simply readjusting his automail and breezed through the room to reach the kitchen. It bothered him deeply to see Alphonse quite the way he was but it was better than having him bear the burden of Ed’s own haggard subconscious mind, too.

Enough light streamed through the kitchen windows that Ed didn’t deem it necessary to turn a light on, and in his mood he was perfectly happy to live with dimness. Their kitchen wasn’t large, a room of bare necessities with a slightly unstable wooden table and a faucet that leaked in maddening intervals. It was plenty, though, to sustain two adolescent boys, surprisingly immaculate, well stocked, and Edward never had trouble finding what he needed.

The tile was cold beneath his flesh foot, sending an unbound shiver up his spine. Silence hung heavy in the air around him, now that Alphonse knew he was awake yet neither of them had spoken a word just yet. It felt the gathered weight of days of this uncomfortable calm was resting upon his shoulders, the quiet like a grave blanket of mail* he wore to shelter himself from prying words and the desire to tell someone about what was going on in his restless nights.

Edward went about fixing a pot of coffee solemnly; as he worked he watched his own mismatched hands still unable to see anything but the soot covered gloves.

(* When I say mail I mean like, medieval ‘chain’ mail, after I’d written it I realized I might be the only one who recognized that for what I meant, bit of a history buff here…)

[Alphonse Elric]

((OOC: It's fine ^^. I don't think I've ever replied to a post so quickly XD I guess I have too much muse))

It didn’t take long perhaps for the younger Elric’s concentration to be broken once more…it really was difficult to concentrate on a scientific subject when your mind wasn’t even fully awake, frankly the words within the book may as well have been written hieroglyphics for all the sense they were making to him. Physics was something he had gained an interest in rather quickly, it was perhaps one of the only interests he had managed to gain in this world. Well, alchemy didn’t work and there weren’t that many options open to him none that peaked his interest anyway, so it was a surprise to him in all honesty when he had picked up a book in the library by chance and leafed through a few pages to find that he actually found it interesting. As interesting as the subject was however, Alphonse was about willing to admit defeat at this point and with a sigh the younger Elric proceeded to close the book…or he would have if he hadn’t caught sight of his brother.

Gray eyes that were somewhat glazed over, brightened almost instantly and for a moment the younger boy felt a smile tug at his lips, but faded quickly and his happy expression became more of a frown as he scanned his brother’s face for a moment, noting the tiredness that was so obvious upon his face before he watched him move into the kitchen. No, it hadn’t escaped him…the fact that Edward was beginning to look worse for the wear lately. He was worried...or perhaps that was putting it mildly, there had been plenty of times when Edward had looked ragged, work or some other business having tired him out…but this…this was going beyond sheer exhaustion. There had been several times when he had wanted to ask Edward about it, ask him what was wrong, but for some reason he was beginning to find himself lacking in courage of late, something that confused him, merely for the fact that he couldn’t remember a time…when he’d been afraid to confront his own brother.

Another deep sigh left the younger Elric’s lips as he ran his hand through his hair before finally closing his book. Well, regardless of everything, he deemed it at least polite to say good morning to his brother if nothing else and he rose from the chair, dropping the book behind him to rest on the cushion before making his way into the kitchen. It hadn’t always been like this, there hadn’t always been silence, before they had moved here there had been laughter, long talks about what each wished to do with their life in this new world…but now, now there was rarely anything, and whilst some silences Alphonse could handle…the silence that often grew between him and his brother was smothering. “…Morning brother” he said quietly from the doorway, watching Edward with a mixture of curiosity and worry.

[Edward Elric]

Edward tried desperately not to notice that Alphonse was watching him from the doorway, he could feel the eyes on him like spiders crawling down the short hairs at the back of his neck. He turned the propane knob on the stove watching as little blue flames danced up in a ring. The clank of the coffeepot onto the burner was almost deafening and Ed tried not to wince at the noise. He hated this, it was so terribly uncomfortable wondering if Al would speak, if when Al did speak what he’d say and what Ed would be expected to say in return. He licked his dry lips anxiously and pretended to adjust the heat just for a reason not to turn around and be forced to face Alphonse. “Morning, brother.” Edward hoped Al didn’t see his shoulders tense at the sound of his voice; he didn’t want Al to think he was part of the problem, this was Ed’s problem.

Al’s words were making his ears ring, the way the building falling to pieces had, deafening in the silence afterwards. Something, he supposed, he had to say something. “Morning,” he mumbled, glancing down at where the knuckles of his flesh hand had gone white clutching the lip of the counter. He loosened his grip a little and breathed deep. It shouldn’t have been so hard, just speaking to his brother. Only every time he opened his mouth he had to force back something from his nightmares, something that in the end was slowly going to drive him insane.

Slowly, Edward allowed himself to turn around but still he didn’t look at Al. He kept his eyes to the floor and headed for the table, unwilling to try to make an escape with Alphonse looking so intently from the only exit.

[Alphonse Elric]

This was somewhat awkward, he was trying to put on a happy face, talk to Edward as though things were the same as they had always been, but they weren’t and perhaps it was that which made the current situation uncomfortable. It shouldn’t have been so difficult really, simply to say good morning to his brother, it wasn’t exactly something that was hard to do and yet somehow even though he had managed to say it, he was beginning to wish he had said nothing at all and remained in silence watching Edward move around the kitchen. Like the calm before the storm...that was perhaps the best way of describing how things felt, though the younger Elric didn’t quite see things that way. There was something in the air, like a crackle of electricity, an electricity that trailed its way from the back of his neck to move down his spine in a rather unpleasant shudder inducing tingle and he found himself holding his breath for a moment, awaiting a reaction from his brother.

“Morning” Finally an answer and perhaps he would have smiled at it, were it not for the tell tale signs that it had been...a little bit forced. He hated it in all honesty, he’d seen the tension in his brothers shoulders, noted the way he refused to turn to look at him...it hurt a little though it wasn’t something he would mention...he never really did. Still, he chose to take it as it was, a greeting, no matter how mumbled it was and he forced a smile onto his lips, a facade, a ruse of sorts, his own way of protecting his feelings, just as Edward protected his secrets. There was a silence once more and the younger boy found himself wanting to break it, but what could he say? Frankly it was difficult to think right now, difficult really to do much of anything considering his tiredness...still, he would try, try and find something to say that would elicit a response from his brother....hopefully something more than simply one word anyway.


“Um....” he started putting his hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it slightly in a nervous manner as he watched Edward move to the kitchen table, once again wondering why it was so difficult to think of something to say, cursing himself mentally before he swallowed hard. “I was thinking of going to the library today brother....I was sort of wondering if you’d like to come with me, you know, for the walk”. It was true, he really had intended to go to the library, or he had the day before at least, but a rather unexpected bout of rain had caused him to rethink the trek and stay at home instead, not that there was really much to do within their home. He had a few books of his own admittedly, but considering he also had very little money of his own he couldn’t afford to buy new ones very often and thus the library was an excellent source for his thirst for knowledge, at least it was free.

[Edward Elric]

If he’d felt uncomfortable before, he wasn’t exactly sure what it was he was feeling as he sank into a cold, hard chair that wobbled slightly beneath his unevenly distributed weight. For a few unsettling moments Edward tapped his human fingers against the tabletop, his stomach was roiling about like the coffee heating on the stove and every thought in his head seemed heavy. He could still feel Al’s stormy gray eyes burrowing into him as though his soul was on display yet revealing nothing. A line of cool sweat broke out across the nape of his neck rolling beneath his shirt invasively to drag a sheet of small, objectionable goose-bumps over his flesh. He never intended to hurt Alphonse and good lord he knew he was, but he was protecting Al, from the demented visions in his head, the duress it caused him didn’t need to be Al’s. The horror of not knowing whether or not those screams were real if that bloody hand he’d seen belonged to a man or a figment of his imagination, the tossing and turning of every sleepless hour spent staring at his ceiling awash in an inch of frightened sweat having seen the tortured, petrified face of a comrade and had it burned into the insides of his eyelids until the next night that a sight more terrifying took root in his thoughts. “Um,” Al began making Ed stiffen once more and shift uncomfortably in his seat. “I was thinking of going to the library today, Brother…I was sort of wondering if you’d like to come with me, you know, for the walk.”

It made him feel like the worst person in the world, and certainly made him the most despicable brother ever to be graced with a sibling, that a simple invitation from Alphonse, the person who meant the most to him in the world, made him cringe because he could hardly stand the thought of a walk with the discomfort that saturated the air almost a thoroughly as the ash surrounding them. Edward licked his dry, chapped lips and pondered his answer. Truthfully, he didn’t really want to say no but he couldn’t find it in himself to say yes either. Lately, he’d avoided Al as much as possible for fear he’d let something slip or snap again, snarl hateful words that weren’t even meant for his brother just a defense mechanism, like the straining cork on the top of a champagne bottle. It wasn’t fair to treat Alphonse that way but he knew it would happen because it was simply Al’s nature to have to be Ed’s guardian angel so he would, of course, ask about Ed’s dire mood and plead to know what was wrong. Finally, Ed made some noise that meant very little though it leaned more towards a negative and was accompanied by an evasive shrug.

Silently, Edward willed Alphonse to get the picture, to, on some level at least, understand that Ed wasn’t angry with him but that he couldn’t handle this, not now.

[Alphonse Elric]

There it was again...that awkward silence, it wasn’t the silence itself perhaps, but more that Alphonse knew that the silence was not exactly a good thing. There had never been silence before, well, not usually anyway and he had to admit that the longer he found himself in silence...the more he was beginning to hate it. Why couldn’t things just be simple? It was a question he’d asked himself more often that not and yet he had found it was one that he still had no answer to, the truth was, nothing was ever simple, even if he wanted it to be and this whole situation with Edward was as far as simple as things could get. He didn’t understand his moods, didn’t understand the changes in behaviour....honestly there was very little he was understanding these days, no matter how much he read into it, no matter how hard he tried...he still could not crack the code, the one that would help him figure out exactly what was going on with his brother.

It was all to obvious that Edward was finding this whole situation bothersome, his body language for one and just the atmosphere he gave off, enough for Alphonse to feel a chill against his skin. As his brother made some noise that could perhaps have been something coherent or merely some mumble he frowned deeply for a moment as Edward furthered his mumble with a shrug of his shoulders. Had he expected him to say yes? In all honesty he hadn’t, but then there was a part of him that was always hopeful, always trying to be positive...and once again he had found that part of himself being lost in the wake of something disappointing. “Well....I-I guess the library isn’t really the sort of place for you” he said finding those words sounding strange. When they were younger, he and Edward had spent countless hours in the library, Edward had always had a thirst for knowledge, much like himself and although he admitted most of the time they spent in the library was to research into the philosophers stone, it was still something he had always found himself enjoying and he knew that at least back then, Edward had enjoyed it too.

The frown remained on the younger Elric’s face as his gaze fell to the floor for a moment, it wasn’t the same anymore, nothing was, they had always been close, his brother was the one person whom he had always found he could confide in, someone who would gladly share in his pain, help him bear whatever burdens he found himself with....but....things were too different now weren’t they. “Brother....” the word was almost silent falling from his lips as he raised his gaze once more, trying to change his expression to one that seemed more neutral as he stared at him. He wanted to share his brothers burdens, in all the years they had travelled, it was Edward who had been there for HIM, his brother who had made things better when the world seemed lost to him....all he wanted, was to be there for Edward, the way he had always been for him...so why? Why wouldn’t he let him in?

[Edward Elric]

The coffee was beginning to percolate up into the clear nub on the lid, and Edward gave it a short glance; the colour was only dull muddy amber, not nearly where it needed to be. It made small popping noises as the water boiled and the metal of the pot itself settled into the heat, small sounds seemed so loud to him lately. His flesh palm felt clammy and his face hot, the anxious sweat making his skin glisten ever so slightly. Over and over he told himself this was how things had to be, at least for now. There was nothing more he could do but keep his distance, keep his quiet until the dreams faded or his relationship with Al broke from the strain he had put on it and Alphonse decided he’d had enough of Ed. Which Ed would understand entirely; though he had to clamp his jaw tightly to keep his teeth from chattering nervously at the thought. Maybe he was pathetic, maybe he was over-protective, maybe he was doing the wrong thing. It was hard to think it was the right thing when he could feel the tension in the air like electricity through water, and it felt almost as heavy. But no, he had decided before this was the right way to handle it, the only way.

“Well....I-I guess the library isn’t really the sort of place for you.” Now Alphonse was just making things up to cover the situation and Ed’s own obtuse reactions. It was awkward really, to hear that foreign sounding sentence from Alphonse and easy to note the hesitance and disbelief in those words. Al didn’t believe the words he was saying either. Ed clenched and unclenched a fist once more stalling his response with needless movements. If he hadn’t paused though he would have missed the small “Brother” that fell from Al’s lips, he wasn’t even sure he was supposed to have caught it. Suddenly Ed’s chest felt very tight, like the walls of his heart were closing in and any moment it might burst from the pressure and he opened his mouth to speak but the sound of rapid boiling inside of the coffee pot became very near, slowly morphing into the thunder of stampeding feet. Running, they were always running with no place to go, nowhere to hide. It found them, the destruction, the fire, the screaming, it always found them, it always found him. Ed’s next breath was sharp as he forced his straining lungs to inflate and urged his racing heart to slow. He shut his mouth again and pushed himself up from the table. He had to stop it, stop that sound, the flood of visions, it had to stop.

Edward proceeded calmly, making a valiant attempt to appear normal, as though he simply noticed that the coffee was about the right colour. It was still a little light but that didn’t matter, he switched the knob of with a snap of his wrist and removed the pot from the stove top to keep the residual heat from allowing it to continue boiling. As terrible as the experience was, as much as he hated being pulled into a nightmare while perfectly conscious it assured him of something. He was right to keep Al in the dark.

His heart still throbbed in his chest as though it didn’t have enough room, and he could feel his extremities trembling slightly no matter how hard he attempted to control the miniscule spasms. He licked dry lips and leaned against the counter heavily, stiffening his back against the rush of words and emotions that came spilling into his throat. Alphonse deserved something, at least to be acknowledged by his name. “Just…just not today, Al.” Ed’s tongue felt strangely heavy, that was more words to leave his mouth in a single sentence than had in over than a week. Mad, like a rabid dog, he thought to himself and couldn’t stop the shiver that tore through his body at the truth of those words.

[Alphonse Elric]

The younger Elric held his breath for a moment watching his brother, wanting to move from the doorway but daring not to...it was a strange sensation really, wanting to do something but that niggling feeling in the back of your mind telling you that perhaps it was not the best idea, or that something could go wrong with it. What could go wrong? He was just standing in the kitchen doorway...still...he didn’t move or what little movement he did make was lessened to simply shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Why? Why wouldn’t Edward talk to him? The only word he had managed to drag from him today was a simple morning and even that had been forced out of him....he hated this, he hated it so damn much. There had never been a time in his life where he had felt so....helpless, there had been several occasions where things had been tough, even seemed impossible to fix, but they had always fixed it...it had always been easy...it had always been simple.

Edward was in pain, Alphonse admitted to himself that it wasn’t something tangible, at least from his point of view. It wasn’t something physical....no, that perhaps would have been too obvious, but it was something damaging, something that was eating at his brother and he was seeing the effects. He wanted to ask him again, try to retrieve some buried piece of information that might explain Edward’s behaviour, scraps....now he was beginning to feel somewhat like some starving dog, fighting for any scrap of meat it could to survive...except he wasn’t the one who was having difficulty surviving was he? Time and again he had tried to get to the bottom of what was going on with his brother and time and again he had come across the wall he placed between them. No matter how hard the younger Elric tried to break Edward’s defences that wall never seemed to tumble, there had been cracks and perhaps even a hole or too...but it stayed strong as ever, even with his determination.

Alphonse was alert to every movement his brother made and he watched him in silence, a frown moving back over his features. Why wouldn’t he say anything? Why did he always have to be quiet? It felt strange to think that..Edward and quiet were not usually two words that went together and yet here they were right before him....and he hated it. “Just…just not today, Al.” There was some elation, a moment of happiness that Edward had spoken before the joy melted away once more. It wasn’t what he had been expecting, but truthfully...he didn’t know what he had been expecting, they were words yes, something he had wanted....but at the end of the day, that was all they were...words. “Ok....” he said quietly in reply, bringing his arms up to hug himself slightly. He wanted to push it, say something else, but what could he say? How could he say anything, when he could see all too plainly that this was bothering him? He couldn’t....and he merely lowered his head as he hugged himself tighter, his fringe falling in front of his eyes.

[Edward Elric]

It was the mental turmoil that he couldn’t handle, it was the searing pain that weighted his chest and made it difficult to breathe that kept him in this shroud of unbreakable silence. Like an invisible shield it hung about him and he could feel that Al willed it to fall. And Ed feared it might crumble under its own mass. A burden to terrible for even the shoulders of Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, was bound to be heavy. Yet, Edward still pushed back tiring, weakening, but never breaking like the titan Atlas, forever trapped beneath the entire world. All he needed though, to stiffen his back and take the brunt was to think of the terrors he’d put Alphonse through as a child because of his own insolence, his own arrogant mistakes. Four years, four bloody years without a body, four years without sleep, food, or the comfort of even a touch on the shoulder. And he knew it was worth it to keep the maddening nighttime visions secret and keep Al safe, he’d failed his little brother once, a move that was almost fatal to the both of them on more than one occasion and he would never let that happen again.

Edward snatched a coffee cup from beside the sink, removed the guts from the pot and poured himself a mug. It steamed delightfully and smelled like heaven, it really was too bad that even something that had once been such a joy couldn’t even bring a hint of light into the dusky corners of his psyche. “Ok,” he heard Alphonse whisper and it was all he could do to keep his breath from hitching in a silent sob. Still, he couldn’t control the slight tremble of hi lip and he bit down on it hard, squaring his jaw because he knew he could be stronger than this. He knew, somewhere deep down, that his logic was fractured, that he was causing Al pain with his seemingly indifference. He knew that the walls he’d put up did more than keep him in and Al had always hated being kept out. Whether from something that saddened Ed or why, some nights, when they were children he would awake angry and be unable to fall into slumber again; but, Ed figured, it was better that they work through the silence together than Alphonse have to deal with the pain of a wasted night, the flashes of terror that painted every broken moment of sleep.

With a sort of inane determination he gripped the scalding cup in his prosthesis and turned. For a moment he kept his eyes again on the chipped tile, not knowing exactly what he expected to see only knowing that he didn’t want to see the hurt his own problems had etched upon his brother’s face. But he couldn’t simply leave the room without even sparing a glance. Not just because he’d probably bump into Al who still took up at least half of the doorway, but because in some perverse part of his mind he had to do the calculations. See how things had changed since he’d first caught Al’s eye briefly in the living room, to see what a few simple minutes with Ed had done to him. Maybe in some way measure just how much farther this could go before Alphonse was unable to stand his attitude; see how long he had before Al decided he wasn’t worth the trouble or finally snapped and actually became angry.

Maybe he fled the kitchen so hurriedly because he wanted to make sure no more words were spoke, or maybe he’d fled because he couldn’t control the guilt any longer having seen Al so miserable, hugging his body more like he wished someone else would comfort him. More like he wished he Edward hadn’t turned their home into a cage.

[Alphonse Elric]

What was he thinking? That was a question he was asking himself now as he kept his head hung low, hiding his eyes behind his fringe, eyes that could so often give him away, show more emotion than he intended. There had once been a time when the younger Elric would have been able to read Edward like a book, able to read the subtle movements he made, or the glances they exchanged, it used to be easy to tell what was wrong....but this, this was difficult. It seemed he had lost that power somewhere, as though the bond they once shared was slowly coming apart at the seams, slowly tearing them apart and truthfully that was how it felt...like he truly was being torn. Was it so difficult for Edward to understand that he was concerned? Did it bother him that much to have him asking questions? No doubt it did...but Alphonse couldn’t help himself, if he didn’t ask, how was he ever to know? How was he ever going to help? Yet he knew well enough that Edward would refuse the help, for some reason, whatever this was, he had decided to deal with it on his own.

There was movement suddenly and it was in that instance that the younger boy raised his head once more, his arms still wrapped about himself as he stared at his brother, watching, waiting...always waiting. It was like watching some caged animal, a creature once proud and strong having its strength taken from it, it’s will weakened, until it became nothing more that an empty shell of what it had once been. He’d always wanted to be strong, like Edward, but the truth was, for now at least, it seemed he truly was...it was painful, to see his brother like this...to see his suffering day in day out, he admitted that he suffered too, mostly through his own worries for his brother, but to him it mattered very little, all that really mattered, was that something was very wrong with his elder brother...and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about. Maybe it wasn’t too late...whatever else was happening, whatever his brother was becoming....he was still there, he was still his brother and he was determined not to lose him to whatever this was, be it physical or otherwise.

Thud, thud, thud, the constant beat his heart pounding in the younger Elric’s ears was deafening as he stared at his brother in the silence that followed, fight or flight...that was what this was, the moment of truth, the time when something would happen, the atmosphere seeming to thicken. What would he do? Would he say something? Would he do something? Or would Edward simply do nothing? Regardless...Alphonse had told himself that if Edward did nothing, he would have to do something, say something...anything. Before he had much of a chance to do anything Edward had gone past him and he found himself standing there for a moment his mouth open slightly....he hadn’t expected him to leave...or maybe he had...he wasn’t really sure...but this had to stop...hell...it all had to stop. Arms now coming to his sides the younger Elric moved sharply out of the kitchen doorway and clenched his fists somewhat...he had to say something, he had to. “Brother!” he shouted the loudness of his voice surprising even to him, so much so that he lost some of his resolve and quietened somewhat. “Please.....talk to me...”.

[Edward Elric]

Cowardice was what came to mind, in the face of conflict he had run without another thought, leaving behind a look of destruction and a shred of his own pride. He could hardly stand himself; he couldn’t conjure up an image, even one from his dreams, quite as dreadful as the look he’d seen. It was hard to tell himself that he was doing this because he loved his brother and not because he was too frightened of his crumbling sanity to want anything more than to keep it under a tight lock and key. It terrified him, too, that he couldn’t look at this rationally. Everything was emotion. He’d always, always, been able to step back and be objective about a situation but this was different for some reason, he couldn’t manage to see it from any angle but his animalistic side jumped, startled by every move in that direction. The nightmares were all he could think about and everything he tried to ignore. He flinched as the air stirred with behind him and was frozen dead in his tracks by the abruptness of the next word.

“Brother!” His rapid halt sloshed coffee over his hand and down to his flesh foot, the scalding liquid stung though not nearly as much as the harshness of Al’s shout. Maybe he had gone too far this time. His breathing became rigid at the thought that he had finally broken the last straw, his chest burned like he’d swallowed gasoline and a lighted match. “Please…talk to me…” For a few uncertain moments the butterflies in his stomach weren’t sure if they should calm at the acknowledgment and the more hushed tone or speed up because he didn’t know what to say, how to answer such a simple plea. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it again and had to swallow the heavy lump in his throat.

It felt as though he was drowning and someone had tossed him a rope, a buoy that would keep him afloat and haul him to safety but the waves continued to crash about him, keeping it just out of reach a lifeline that he couldn’t wrap his fingers around. He pondered for a few heavy seconds how terribly much he wanted to let that life preserver tow him in, to let the crew wrap a warm blanket around his shoulders and have him explain how he’d gotten that far under. He wanted to be saved so badly it was physically hurting him, just as if there really was harsh seawater draining down his throat and tearing apart his lungs. “Al…” he choked out, unable to think clearly enough to form another. Still lost as to what he might say, what he could possibly say to change the aura that surrounded them. His automail twitched without warning and the slight jolt splashed him once more with burning coffee stunning him back to reality.

Hadn’t he fought this debate at least one already, on that one morning? Hadn’t he made his decision? Things needed to stay the way they were; it was the only way to protect Al. That argument had been stomped practically into the dust but he clung to it desperately. Knowing now that the true fear lay in admitting he wasn’t nearly as solid, as unbreakable, as he tried to claim. “Just remember, I do love you Al.” He whispered, though he was unsure of what he expected to come of it and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what would come of it.

[Alphonse Elric]

((A little bit meh in there XD But the end I'm happy with))

Was he asking too much? It was a question that he was now repeating over and over in his mind. Maybe...maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, perhaps it would have been better that way...or would it? He didn’t believe it, not one word and yet it was what he kept telling himself, that he shouldn’t say anything, that he should let Edward decide when the time was right if he wanted to talk to him, but somehow he knew that time would not come. Things had changed and very much for the worse in his mind, there was a distance between them now, something that wasn’t easy to fix...it was a distance that no doubt would eventually grow larger, but that wasn’t something that the younger Elric wanted, he didn’t want to lose his brother. Edward was all he had left...his only family....and that meant more to him than anything right now.

Awkward, uncomfortable, suffocating....those were words he had become used to in the last few months, it was awkward to be around his brother in the mornings, the afternoons, the evenings, to want to talk to him, express his feelings but somehow he always managed to find himself losing his train of thought and the silence...that suffocating silence...was all that ensued. “Just remember, I do love you Al.” Grey eyes widened momentarily before a frown washed over the younger Elric’s features...was that...was that all he had to say? Maybe it was heartfelt, maybe it was the truth, hell...Alphonse knew it was the truth, but why say that? Why was he telling him what he already knew? Did he think this made it better? Did he think that saying something so...so simple, was going to change anything? Alphonse swallowed hard as his hands balled into fists once more....he didn’t have a right...damn it...it wasn’t fair!

“...But it doesn’t change anything right?” he said finally, fighting back tears as he shook slightly, trying to keep his breathing at a normal rate, preventing any light sobs that would leave his lips if he relinquished control. “You still won’t talk to me”. Why did he shut him out? Why? He was angry and he had every right to be, why didn’t he trust him? What had he done that had caused his brother to refuse to confide in him? He couldn’t see it perhaps, that Edward was merely trying to protect him, or maybe he didn’t want to see it, maybe he was far too focussed on one aspect of this whole thing...that his own brother didn’t trust him. “I’m tired of this brother! I’m tired of being left in the dark!” he shouted before running his sleeve across his eyes, the tears that he had fought so hard to keep back finally falling, but he didn’t want Edward to see...no, not these tears. With a sound that could have been a whispered word or merely a whimper the younger Elric stalked out of the living room, returning to his room and slamming the door as hard as he could, a move he regretted a moment later....he didn’t want to be angry...not at Ed, but....but he felt so...isolated...alone...deliberately forced into solitude, a solitude he did not want.

[Edward Elric]

It had been a pathetic thing to say, a plea of desperation, possibly even a self-assurance that not everything had changed. But he was regretting it more every silent second. He regretted crying out like that and remembered bitterly why he’d been so desperate to keep his mouth shut and every thought locked up tight in his head. Because he was desperate and desperate men make mistakes, such as murmuring something so obvious so helplessly. The words he’d spoken still hung direly in the air and Ed wished he could pluck them back and pretend they’d never been spoken, that he hadn’t spoken anything at all; simply grumbled as he had every day prior, mumbled things that meant nothing and bit harsh, angry words. They were better than this; the anger at least wasn’t so pitiful.
A million miles now spanned the space between he and Al where once there had been fewer than centimeters, and every day the distance grew a little further as he pushed Alphonse away and he realized that every day Alphonse pushed back a little less forcefully. Edward understood, even commiserated with his neglected brother, and berated himself for it. “But it doesn’t change anything, does it?” Edward breathed sharply, the smallness of Al’s voice worse than anger. “You still won’t talk to me.” No, he wouldn’t talk and for the moment he couldn’t. There wasn’t a proper word in this language or any other that could possibly portray what he felt, the things he wanted to say but couldn’t. “I’m tired of this brother! I’m tired of being left in the dark!” His body flinched from Al’s words almost as much as he did mentally. I’m not leaving you in the dark; I’m trying to keep you out of it.

The sound of Al’s door slamming broke the air like a gunshot, petrifying in its own way. It was his turn to walk away and Ed supposed it was for the best as he whispered “I’m sorry...” To no one. Maybe there was no hope for them, especially not for Ed. There was too much between them and too little to hold on to. It was his fault, and he hoped Al realized that, the blame was Ed’s. Edward’s hand tightened around his coffee mug significantly, breathing hard. He didn’t understand even himself anymore; this sort of wane, piteous creature wasn’t the person he used to be. He’d never been so easily brought down by anything let alone something so strange and abject. He felt like something had reached into his mind and snapped his will like a twig taking away part of who he was. Edward shuddered.

Ed flung his flesh arm over his eyes, attempting to keep the tears from falling. It served no purpose but to dampen his shirt. Shivering Edward fell back against the hallway wall, pulling in shallow, stuttering breaths. He’d let the safety buoy slip away, and there he was alone and crying like a child, drowning again.